As a mother of two, it broke my heart to read this week about how a girl was bullied in school and said she eats in the toilet during recess as she did not want to socialise.

On her 11th birthday, the Primary 5 student at Mee Toh School was literally thrown notes containing insulting words.

Words that would cause any tween and teenager-to-be pain.

Pain that would not be totally unfamiliar to me, because as a child, I was frequently taunted.

Being of a bigger size than most girls in school, I was called “Piglet” or “Pig”.

The sniggering and snide remarks would grow louder during the much-dreaded annual National Physical Fitness Award Scheme (Napfa) tests.

In junior college (JC), when I shared with a friend that I was having a crush on a boy, the friend was very direct in telling the very plump, pimply-faced, haircut-gone-wrong and ugly me that I would stand no chance.

Subsequently, word got out that I had a crush on that particular boy and my schoolmates laughed at how I could have expected any person to even like me.

Some schoolmates would ask me why I was still eating rice or noodles and not just salad, before bursting into laughter.  

Is my schoolmates’ behaviour considered bullying?

Or is bullying more serious and involves physical force or verbal threats?

The Ministry of Education said this week in light of the Mee Toh incident that it defines bullying as “persistent behaviour intended to cause hurt, distress or humiliation” adding that “it can be physical, verbal or psychological in nature”.

MOE also says that “bullying of all forms is wrong and our schools take a strong stand against it”.

The two words that caught my eye are “persistent” and “intended”.

Did my schoolmates intend to hurt me? Or did they mean no malice? If so, did that mean they were not bullies even though I felt hurt?

What would qualify as persistent? Three occasions over a week or a month or a semester?

I suppose there are no clear cut answers and that is partly because different children have different temperaments, coping mechanisms and levels of self-esteem.

While some may be “hardier” and will dismiss unkind remarks and behaviours more readily than others, some do not manage it well and can go down a slippery slope of isolation, depression and feeling humiliated.

Have we as adults, unwittingly dismissed such bullying behaviour as childish pranks?  

Certainly we cannot expect children or even young adults to process difficult emotions by themselves and stand up to unkind remarks and behaviours targeted at them.

At the same time, there is a fine balance between intervening to help them and over protecting them and not letting them learn to be resilient.

There have been many occasions where I see playground antics — tripping of other children, taunting when they cannot run fast, excluding people from games by belittling one’s ability to run and so on and want to intervene; not just for my kids but for other kids.

But I always ask myself if I should, because it did not seem appropriate to discipline other people’s children.

I intervened once when a teenage boy pushed a little boy. When I left, I wondered what would happen to the little boy the next time an adult was not around.

Both my children have been at the receiving end of unkind behaviour.

My daughter confided in me one day that her friends have made fun of her name; amongst other things, and how she wished she could have another name and be a different person altogether.

It was not easy but I purposefully pointed out her strengths, what her beautiful name meant to her dad and me and why we chose her name for it because it symbolises the hopes and dreams we have for her.

I am thankful that we have developed a bedtime routine where in the stillness and darkness of the night, my daughter and I openly share our emotions.

Having been through unkind experiences in school, I understand the need and importance for a non-confrontational setting, non-judgmental ears, empathy and much love and patting.

As the African saying goes, “it takes a village to raise a child”. I applaud the sister of the Mee Toh student for standing up for her.

I hope this episode can spur Singaporeans to pay more attention to this issue of bullying in schools.

Beyond teaching our kids that bullying is wrong, we should constantly remind them that their words and actions can have unintended impact on their schoolmates.

Bottom line: We need to encourage our young ones to embrace diversity, to call out wrong behaviour, to celebrate acts of kindness, to be unafraid about doing the right thing, especially and even when no one is doing it.

I was at the receiving end of taunts from the age of 10 to 18, from primary school to junior college.

I can’t remember how I coped exactly. Perhaps subconsciously, I blocked some negative emotions out.

In my darkest moments, there were people who came by my side and I would forever be so thankful for them.

When I accidentally fell into a deep drain in school, scraped my knees and could not come out by myself, two male schoolmates came to hold me by my upper arms and lifted me up.

There were laughter in the background and I could hear the unkind comments made. But that did not stop these two boys from helping me.

When I could not finish my Napfa runs, I remembered two friends who ran by my side, cheered me on and even held my arms as I ran.

There was once I cried so badly in school, a friend came to me to offer some kind words of comfort and theatrically held out his T-shirt for me to wipe my tears. He did not wince even as mucus came out of my nose as I sobbed and laughed at the same time.

On another occasion, a friend lay down beside me on the running track as I wondered out loud to her if I would ever get married, considering how big I was and how ugly I looked.

She was so tender-hearted and encouraging with her uplifting words. Of course, she was one of my bridesmaids when I got married.

For those who feel bullied, whether the bullying is overt, physical, subtle or silent, my message to you is: You are not alone. Don’t be afraid to speak up and seek help. There could be kindness just around the corner.

To those of you who witness bullying, please step forward to offer solace and support and do what you can to stop unkind behaviour.

To teachers and fellow parents, I hope we can do more and guide our kids to be kinder, one comment and deed at a time.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Yvonne Kong-Ho works in a university, specialising in workforce development. She has a son aged 11 and a daughter who is nine.