Singapore — The legendary Hollywood wedding movie, chock-full with misty water-coloured good intentions, is specifically designed to make you laugh, cry and everything else in between.

The Big Wedding, which boasts a smorgasboard of award-winning A-listers, doesn’t. Puppy funerals are way more bearable. Perhaps Hollywood simply doesn’t have a clue when it comes to re-making Swiss-French comedies.

Based on Jean-Stephane Bron’s 2006 Mon Frere Se Marie, writer-director Justin Zackham (who also wrote The Bucket List) single-handedly squanders the talents of four Oscar winners, while constructing a film with every rom-com cliche imaginable. And he kicks off with Robert De Niro going down on Susan Sarandon in the very first scene. ’Nuff said.

The plot? There’s crazy family dysfunction when Alejandro (Ben Barnes), who’s marrying sweetheart Missy (Amanda Seyfried), asks his divorced adoptive parents Don (De Niro) and Ellie (Diane Keaton) to pretend they’re still happily married for the sake of his Catholic birth mother, Madonna (Patricia Rae). That’s all very unfortunate for Bebe (Sarandon), Don’s long-time girlfriend, who also happens to be catering the wedding party. Throw in Katherine Heigl and Topher Grace in annoying rom-com stereotypes, and you’ve got yourself wedding rom-com hell.

Maybe Zackham was aiming for a raunchy, Judd Apatow-esque journey for the older folk. But every innuendo or joke falls flat. De Niro, Keaton and Sarandon put up a concerted brave effort — but to no avail. The disappointment continues when Robin Williams shows up as the priest who officiates the wedding. His usual infectious manic energy is sorely missing, and the fact that he gives the most the most subdued performance sums it up. Sure, there are a few genuine laughs — but it’s too little too late. GENEVIEVE LOH