In a recent chat with my friends, I let on that I sometimes prefer to have lunch by myself. One friend gave me an incredulous look and asked: “You mean you dine outside … alone?”

“Yes, I do. What’s wrong?” I replied.

“Don’t you find it awkward? I mean, if I have to eat alone, I would usually ask for takeaway to consume the food in my office,” she said, while a few of our friends nodded in agreement.

I left it at that, but the exchange stuck in my mind for the rest of the day. That night, I kind of figured out why people may refrain from eating out alone. It is the fear of being judged.

In our society today, we often see people eating in pairs or groups, which creates the misperception that eating alone could be a sign of being an outcast — where one has got no lunch buddy to eat with.

There was a time I turned down a friend’s lunch invitation. His immediate yet judgemental response was: “Hey, don’t be an anti-social. Come join us. It will be fun.”

Little did he know that I had a bad morning and wanted to be left alone.

Later that day, another friend recounted how he was out for lunch by himself when he bumped into someone he knew who asked if he was okay.

My friend added: “I knew that she was showing concern for me; but that question made me feel so awkward in front of other diners, who started glancing towards me. Since then, I did not like eating outside alone and even avoided it.”

I can’t help but wonder: Are we overthinking of what others perceive us when we eat alone in public?

More importantly, when one is alone, it does not mean that person is lonely.

A person is lonely when he feels sad because of a lack of companionship. This means that even if you have your meals in a group, you can still feel lonely if you don’t enjoy the company of those present or are not getting the attention you deserve.

One could be alone because you want some solitude. But you are perfectly comfortable with that state of mind.

I never feel lonely when I am alone. It is a state that I choose to be in at certain points in time, because I want or need to be alone for inner peace. This could be my “me time” for self-reflection, for instance.

Two years ago, I realised that I have been socialising far too much and that I rarely had time for myself.

A mentor then advised me to practise more self-care. That was when I started taking time to lunch out alone, and that gave me the space and time to think through events in my life — what went wrong or right, and what I could do better the next time.

I reckon in a month, I have lunch alone about four to five times. Sometimes, it is because I am just not in the mood for conversations. Rather than show up for a group lunch where I foresee myself to be passive, I would choose to eat alone. 

For one thing, it allows me to reset myself for the rest of the day; and second, it gives respect to the other parties.

At times, I eat alone because I need to buy time. Lunching with others requires coordination — be it in the time, location, and dietary preferences. Long and less meaningful conversations are not helpful either. 

Hence, I prefer eating out alone when I need to run errands, rush for work assignments, or to keep up with my exercise regime.

More often than not, I eat by myself for the sensory experience. When I do so, I get to better appreciate what I am eating, become more aware of my dining etiquette, and also observe the happenings around me. All these help me to sharpen my attention for details.

Although it rarely happens, eating alone can sometimes lead to new friendships being forged. During lunch hour, I would often share seats with other diners as it can be difficult to find an empty table all to myself. 

Once, while eating alone, I met another diner who was also eating alone. The book that he was reading caught my attention, so I initiated a conversation by saying: "Hey, interesting read there!" 

It turned out that he is an entrepreneur in the media industry. We started exchanging our views on social media content creation. Since then, we have become very good friends, and we frequently catch up to learn from one another.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not anti-social. While I enjoy eating alone in public, I also enjoy the companionship of others over meals as I get to maintain my relationships with them and to learn from their life stories.

As the saying goes: “Go fast, go alone. Go far, go together”. 

It is hence important to strike a harmony between self-care and social life, lest we become all shut to the outside world.

But the next time you see me eating by myself, don’t judge me.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Ong Shen Kwang works as a project facilitator in a local bank.