In this series, TODAY’s journalists meet the people behind the headlines.

In this instalment, Low Youjin speaks to Madam Jasmine Yeo, the mother of Corporal First Class Dave Lee, a 19-year-old full-time national serviceman (NSF) who collapsed after an 8km fast march in April 2018 and died later of heat stroke. 

A coroner’s inquiry earlier this year heard that Captain Tan Baoshu, the supervising officer of the fast march, had rejected several suggestions to immediately evacuate Lee and administer an IV drip, despite Lee displaying symptoms of heat stroke. Tan died of cancer last year at the age of 31. Separately, six other servicemen, including the safety officer of the fast march and the conducting officer who made unauthorised deviations to a lesson plan the day before the march, were fined between S$1,800 and S$4,500 each in military court. The Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) has since adopted several recommendations made by an external review panel on heat injury management.

Speaking to TODAY, Madam Yeo, 50, talks about forgiveness and coping with the loss of her child. 

Excerpts of the interview below are edited for length and clarity.

Youjin: Could you talk about how you are managing your grief?

Jasmine: This is the most difficult part. 

I still have my daughter. She has been a blessing, if not, it would have been very difficult. 

I also have very loving family members, and they have been my pillars of support.

How do you manage grief? I think everybody does it differently.

Ever since Dave passed on, I no longer have the interest to put on makeup, even though I’m a working mother.

I guess you just do what you feel like doing… It’s part of the journey of healing, although I don't really think that any parent who has lost their precious child will ever heal. 

But you just have to try your best and look for something that will make you smile, that's what I do.

Every Friday, my mother and my sister will come to my house, so there’s this ongoing routine to look forward to, where people will come and take up a little bit of your attention.

Also, if I don't feel like doing certain things, I just don’t do it.  

If I think that going to his (Dave’s) room every day, or seeing his photo every day, will make me upset, then I should avoid it. 

Sometimes I don't even go to his room for a while because I feel that it will bring back those feelings of unhappiness or sadness.

I’ve always looked at two sides of life as well. If I continue to be sad and cry every day, what is going to happen to my family?

There are many people around us and there is no reason to bring more sadness to them.  

But I’ve found myself hating the month of April. Every time it comes near, I just don’t feel like going out sometimes for the whole month.

At times, from afar, I will see a person who looks like a shadow of Dave and I will ask myself if that is him. 

Then comes May, and it is another new beginning for us to work towards another year of accepting that Dave is not around.

You just have to move on. The clock will still tick, and before you know it, you are sitting here three years after his death. But it’s still as fresh as yesterday.

Youjin: How can we help someone cope when the person is grieving the loss of a child?

Jasmine: For the children of those who are grieving, you must be very patient with your parents and spend a lot of time with them.

The pain that the parents are going through is definitely 101 times more than what the children are going through.

If you have a close friend in a similar situation as me, if they don’t mention (the death or the loss of a loved one), you don’t mention it because they are not ready to talk about it or “move on”.

Many times, you don’t really need words. If you can, just hug. Don’t need to say more. And keep in touch with them.

Youjin: You recently commemorated Dave’s third death anniversary on April 30. What did you and your family do that day?

Jasmine: We visited him. That’s the bare minimum we could do, and that’s what’s left to be done. We decorate his niche every now and then. 

But I’ve always asked myself the same question: Why? And how can this happen? 

Youjin: What are your fondest memories of Dave?

Jasmine: They are all fond memories. We always travelled together. The last one was in Japan. We went to a number of places — Tokyo, Osaka and so on. It was a free-and-easy trip and he had to do the planning.

All these memories — we had many beautiful pictures taken, but I dare not bring them out and see them again. I have not gone through my photo album in a long time. 

Youjin: Has anyone who served with Dave in the army visited you?

Jasmine: There’s one group of boys, his friends from Basic Military Training. They are really very nice. They made it a point to visit me for the past three years without fail during Chinese New Year, and sometimes during Christmas.  

Youjin: After Dave’s death, SAF has put in place several measures to mitigate heat injuries. How do you feel about these steps? 

Jasmine: I was really totally happy with the changes. But they could have come earlier so I wouldn’t be here commenting to you that I love them.  

They have done their best to improve the system. They are putting a lot of emphasis on educating those that are newly recruited, and also officers, about heat injuries.

Youjin: After the coroner’s inquiry in January, you told the media that you would not be able to forgive Captain Tan. Do you think you will be able to, years from now?

Jasmine: I visited him when he was in critical condition. He had requested to meet us before the coroner’s inquiry was released.

We had a conversation with him and we said, “Let’s forgive and forget.”

At that point when we visited him, I thought to myself, “What can I do? Can I still continue to hate him?” Everybody asks whether I can forgive him. How do you weigh this word, “forgiveness”?

These two boys, Dave and Baoshu, were young and promising. Baoshu was not married, he had a stable income and career.

Deep inside me, I really don’t think he was up to do anything intentionally bad to his men. It was just a stupid and foolish way of reacting to emergencies. 

But when I was in court for the coroner’s inquiry hearing, I was very angry. I was, like, “How can I forgive you?” 

That being said, it’s meaningless whether you can forgive. Baoshu is not here anymore. But at that moment, of course, the anguish was there.

Let’s make this clear. The army should be tough, no question about it. 

I was so happy when my boy went to the army, because it will turn him into a true man.

Every time Dave told me the training was tough, I told him it had to be... (But) you train in a correct way, and you should not deviate (from the approved training programme).

My question is, what kind of leaders do you want to come up from the army? We need leaders of quality, not bullies.